


the deconstruction of the soul

by aecusfalcon



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Introspection, Loss of Memory, M/M, Man as a term of endearment, Not new canon compliant, Obi-Wan Kenobi has depression, Quinlan Vos uses they/them pronouns, blows kiss this one is for my fellow mlm, i've never heard of dark apprentice idk her, like bro please see a therapist i'm begging u
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25796131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aecusfalcon/pseuds/aecusfalcon
Summary: He thinks back to the war, near the end. How many times did he lose them? And how many times did he find them? Pull them out of the deep ocean of the force, hands grasping and clinging, gasps of air, oblivion on the edge and narrowly dragging them away.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Quinlan Vos
Comments: 1
Kudos: 45





	the deconstruction of the soul

Obi-Wan shifts in bed, his eyes wide open as he stares up at the ceiling. He’s used to sleeping next to people, of course. During the Clone War he often slept next to his men and even sometimes Anakin. However, that was with a different context. Back then it was out of necessity and security. But this…

It’s nearly morning now, and Quinlan will be awake. And they will most definitely scold him for being awake all night. But he can’t really bring himself to care about that future conversation. Not when their arm resting over his midsection is so heavy. 

When was the last time they were like this? Simply _holding_ one another in sleep with no worry for the next day.

Before the war. Before they lost their memories he thinks. 

He hasn’t told them of their… relationship during that time even though he knows how their eyes burn with questions whenever he mentions it in passing. 

Back then they never gave it a name, because both of them knew how Obi-Wan was regarding _The Code_. To give it a name would be admitting the breaking of it even though they already were. Because to Obi-Wan it seemed if he didn’t admit it, if he blinded himself, then it wouldn’t be what it was.

And Quin knew that.

Quin knew that Obi-Wan surrounds himself with people who do not shy from their affections, both in him and other people. They knew that it was, in a way, compensation for his own love, his own desire. Or lack thereof. So they simply agreed to not naming what they had.

He strains his neck looking over his shoulder, taking a look at their sleeping face. (It’s not a _pretty_ sleeping face. Mouth wide open and their other arm not around his waist covering their eyes.) they’ve aged. Both of them have. And Obi-Wan wonders just how he was able to have at least this when he lost everything else so easily.

He thinks back to the war, near the end. How many times did he lose them? And how many times did he find them? Pull them out of the deep ocean of the force, hands grasping and clinging, gasps of air, oblivion on the edge and narrowly dragging them away.

Then afterwards. The deconstruction of the soul, as together they climbed until they fell into a warm emptiness of the mind. Blissful, guilty.

Blissful from their actions.

Guilty of their actions.

That was the last time they, the two of them, spoke. Since they kissed. Since Obi-Wan felt a tenderness he does not think he deserves. (It’s a work in progress, he tells Quin.)

And oh how guilty he felt then. Maybe it wasn't fair to Quinlan, clinging in to a memory of a person they no longer were. And maybe it wasn’t fair to him, seeing the face of someone he lost so many years ago and could never grasp how to approach anymore.

 _Live in the present, Obi-Wan._ He doesn’t think this context was meant when his late Master told him, but it would be ignorant to not see how it can be useful in this moment.

Especially when Quinlan is waking up.

They push a hand into Obi-Wan’s face to which he responds with an indignant yelp.

“Stop looking at me all sad, man.”

“What makes you think I’m looking at you sad?”

“Well for starters you look like a kicked puppy.”

“I do not.”

“Well then what’re you thinking about?”

Obi-Wan falls silent and sits up, legs swinging over the side of their shared cot as he runs his hands down his face.

“And there it is.”

“There what is?”

“The signature Kenobi move for when you don’t wanna talk about your feelings.”

He sighs, turning to look at them. He has never been one to show his emotions so easily. His face is normally a fixed neutrality. Perhaps that’s why it’s so easy for them to read him, because the subtlest of changes in his countenance speaks of just how deep his feelings truly are.

They shake their head slightly and sit up, scooting closer and throwing an arm over his shoulder. 

“Come on, Obi-Wan. Hey, what did you do when I almost drowned?”

Obi-Wan closes his eyes, resting his hand on top of Quinn’s arm. “Pulled you out.”

“Yeah. Twice. Maybe more, I dunno. But you know what? I’d do the same thing for you. So tell me what’s wrong?”

There’s silence for a long while, until, “I’m just… thinking back.”

“Someone once told me I shouldn’t let the past consume me.”

“If I remember correctly I said that in regards to your psychometry.”

“Context doesn’t matter. You do a lot of preaching and not much practicing, man.”

“It’s easier to lecture.”

“Ugh, you’re gonna end up being worse than Yoda.”

Obi-Wan snorts.

“And there’s your smile.”

He rolls his eyes and leans back against them, letting their presence in the force wrap around him like a blanket.

“Quinlan,” he says after a moment.

They hum in acknowledgment.

“I love you.”

He feels them freeze, and then their arms squeeze tighter around him. “Oh.”

“Oh?”

“It’s just… look at you. Obi-Wan Kenobi finally admitting _attachment_.”

“Don’t ruin this.”

“Sorry.”

Another pause.

And then, “I love you too.”

Obi-Wan smiles softly.

**Author's Note:**

> anyways quinobi is SO underrated and this tag is EMPTY and all of it is :/ weird porn... i just don't think enough ppl explore how quin lost their memory and how obi-wan was a very close friend of theirs!  
> also they're Both trans bc i say so. (and also bc my husband's brain is Huge irt quin using they/them.)


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